The Best Fic Ever
by Kaitou Checkers
Summary: [chapter 3!] Horohoro is forgetful, and tells Ren some stuff he's not supposed to know. Ren continues to sew. Also, an invitation is given. Horohoro, you -moron!-
1. we luv you, team the ren

A/N: … The beginning of what may just be the best fic… ever.  Ever.  Seriously.  I mean this.  Well, no, I don't, but who cares?  Here it is.  It's going to be multi-chapter, so, uh, approximately nothing is explained in this chapter except that Horohoro should probably not attempt poetry.

Warnings: … uh… none this chapter?  Possible shounen ai/yaoi-- maybe Horo X Ren, Hao X (insert random character here,) and … yeah, I don't know, depends where things head.  Absolutely nothing serious, though.  This is a humor fic. …  There's a wee bit o' profanity, though.

Disclaimer:  Don't own Shaman King.  It belongs to Takei-sensei.  Wow.  Who woulda thunk it?  If I owned ManKin, Horo would molest Ren regularly, and Hao would be the main character instead of his brother. … Yeah.

On with the fic.

Tao Ren ran his tongue along the roof of his mouth, and glared down at his work.  This wasn't just anything he was making here, no!  It required concentration, and skill, and hard work!  It required the sort of dedication and talent that, out of all the members of Team THE Ren, only he had!

… Exactly why Tao Ren had sewing skills is another story for another day.

"Ooooi~!  Reeeeen~!  Reeen~ where are you?" came a loud, raucous voice, from somewhere out in the hallway.  It sounded like Horohoro.  Sure, he'd matured and mellowed out a bit since Ren's "death," but he was still annoying and stupid more frequently than seemed humanly possible.

Ren deemed that the best response to that question was, probably, no response.  There was no reason to let Horohoro know where he was.  He was busy, and quite happy to be –alone- while working, thank you.  Distraction from the annoying blue-haired snowboarder was completely unnecessary, and probably a thing to be avoided.

He had a job to do, see.  A task that needed doing!  Not completing this (incredibly irritating) job would probably result in near-certain death.

It's not wise to oppose Asakura Hao unless you know what you're doing, and are fully prepared to face any and all consequences. … or you're suicidal.  It's fine to face Hao if you're suicidal, since you'll probably die.  Ren was most definitely suicidal, and was also fully aware that it would be impossible for him to face Hao's wrath, so he figured obeying, even if he didn't want to, was probably a good idea.  You could never be quite sure what Hao would do if you decided you didn't feel like listening to him, and, well…

"Reeeeen~!  Where are you?  I've got something to show you!"  Horohoro was yelling again.  Really, it was days like today that made Ren wonder if the universe had some sort of grudge against him.  He was being forced to _sew_, for _Hao_, no less, and Horohoro was acting stupid again.  Really, his day probably couldn't get any worse.

The door was kicked open noisily, and Horohoro bounced in.  … Bounced.  Yes.  Really.  "Oi~!  Ren!  Are you in here—hey!  Ren!"  Horohoro was grinning a big, stupid, overly cheerful grin, and clutched an envelope in one pale hand.  Then he paused.

Really, you would pause too, if your first sight upon entering a room was Ren, sitting on the floor in his pajamas, sewing something.  It's not really something you see every day, you know?  That's probably fortunate.  Anyway, for now, at least, Horohoro was highly amused.  His grin grew wider, and took on a slightly malicious aspect.

"Aw, did I interrupt little Miss Ren-ren doin' 'is chores?"

Ren twitched.  "Shut up," he said, his voice several shades below 'happy,' and, in fact, much closer to 'really pissed off.'  No, no, not just close to 'really pissed off.'  That description was, in actuality, right on the mark, if perhaps a bit mild.  His tone would have been more accurately described with quite a bit of harsh language that would be at least a little out of place in this narrative.

Surprisingly enough, Horohoro did shut up.  Maybe at some point he'd actually picked up some common sense, and realized it was stupid to make Ren angry?

  . . . No, in fact, that wasn't it.   He wasn't saying anything—but he _was _snickering like there was no tomorrow.

"I _told _you to shut up," Ren snarled.  If looks could kill… well, Horohoro would have died several years ago, but he'd be even more dead now.  

"I'm not," Horohoro paused to outright laugh for a moment, before regaining something resembling control, "saying anything.  See?  I shut up!  I'm talking _now _and all, but I wasn't _then_, see?  I shut up when you told me to, see?  So there's no reason to get mad at me, li'l miss Ren-ren!"

That, Ren decided, was not in any way amusing.  The nickname was particularly grating on the nerves, in fact.  "Just shut up, _right now_."  Ren punctuated the last part of that sentence with a sharp glare, and a sharper pin, which he threw at Horohoro.  Okay, maybe it was idiotic, but idiocy never stopped the rest of Team The Ren from doing things, so why should it stop Ren now?

"Ow!" Horohoro said, as the pin bounced rather harmlessly off of his forehead.  "What on earth was that, o violent shark-haired leader?"  Horohoro laughed again, quite proud of himself for having come up with two great nicknames in just one day.  Oh yeah, he was cool.  Definitely!  He'd have to tell Chocolove, 'coz even if Ren thought they were stupid, Chocolove'd laugh and stuff, 'coz—

"It was a projectile weapon, thrown to make you shut the hell up.  Now, do you have something important to say, or are you just here to mock me?"

Horohoro laughed for a second, then, rather suddenly, stopped.  "Oh yeah!" he exclaimed, brandishing the envelope he'd bounced in with.  "This is for you!" he said, and then tossed it at Ren.

Ren, who had gone back to attempting to sew, was hit in the face.  ". . ." was all he had to say.

Horohoro bounced over—which, by the way, was kind of scary—and flopped down on the floor next to Ren.  "Open it!"  he said, sounding more cheerful than anyone deserved to on a no-good, awful, incredibly bad day like this.  

Ren frowned, not amused by Horohoro's excessive energy, but figured he might as well open the envelope.  Maybe he'd get money, or maybe his family had bought him his own place so he wouldn't have to stay in a hotel with these morons.  Whatever it was, it couldn't possibly make his day any worse, right?

Now, before tearing open the envelope, he figured he might as well see who it was from.  There was no from address, and all the envelope said, scrawled sloppily in permanent marker, was . . .

"Fo Pen?"  Ren wondered, sounding at once bewildered and annoyed.

"No, no! See, that's a 'T,' right there.  And that's not a 'P,' see?  It's an 'R!'  It says 'To Ren,' yanno.  'Coz that's who it's for.  Ren.  That's you.  I mean, well, you know that's you and stuff.  At least I hope you do, 'coz it'd be weird if you'd forgotten your name, and… yeah.  See?"

Ren frowned again, squinted, and stared at the envelope for a moment longer.  ". . . Ah."  Fine then.  So whoever had written this had crappy handwriting.  Well, that meant it wasn't from his family, then.  Oh well, that didn't necessarily mean anything bad.  The handwriting was eerily familiar, though, which could be a bad thing.

He tore the envelope open, and pulled out the card.

"Roses are red, violets are blue," the front of the card proclaimed, in large, noisy red letters on a too-bright green background.  Down in a corner was a hastily drawn thing that Ren assumed to be a lotus, simply because the hastily scrawled kanji next to it appeared to read 'lotus,' and had a little arrow pointing to the flower next to it.  Ren's frown deepened, as he tried to remember where he'd last seen that near-illegible handwriting.

He paused.  He blinked.  He stared at it a bit.

"Horohoro," he said, turning to stare at the other shaman, "what the fuck is this?"

"C'mon, c'mon!"  Horohoro was practically bouncing.  "Jus' read the rest of it!"

Ren sighed, and shook his head.  Fine.  Whatever.  He'd read the damn thing.  Slowly, he opened the card.

"Team the Ren," the first line read, "would be nothing without you!  Happy birthday, Ren!"   Under that were crudely draw stick figures—Ren assumed they were supposed to be of Horohoro and Chocolove--waving and smiling.

Ren stared at the card.  The card didn't stare back, because it wasn't alive. . . .   Silence persisted for a few moments before Ren turned his head to stare at the snowboarding idiot once more.

"What," he said again, "the fuck is this?"  

"It's a birthday card," Horohoro explained slowly.  "See?  That's why it says Happy Birthday right there."

". . . My birthday was a month ago," Ren said slowly, voiced tinged with disbelief and mild annoyance.

". . . so?"

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A/N: LOOKEE.  CHAPTER ONE IS DONE. :D  What a nice, friendly abrupt ending!  Chapter 2 is soon to come.  I hope.


	2. h40 iz 1337

 A/N: … Hopefully no one minds the Hao-centric chapter? e___e Team The Ren and the rest of the gang'll be back next chapter, a'ight, loves?  I just wanted to get this out of the way. XD . . . I am so, so shallow.  No, there is no real point.

Warnings: … Hao.  I write him scary.  Be afraid!  Oh, and, uh, some language, if that offends you. … And, erm, Lyserg's an utter ho.  (…implied MarcoXLyserg, RyuXLyserg, and sort-of HaoXLyserg… uh…)

Disclaimer: Mmuu, I don't own anything.  Everything belongs to Takei-sensei.  'm just a fan, you see.  Just a simple, innocent fan with no money, yup.

Asakura Hao smiled.  Now, that wasn't an uncommon event, really.  Hao smiled a lot.  It was, actually, quite rare to see him _not_ smiling.  That, however, is not the point.  The point is that, as usual, he was smiling.  Unlike usual, though, he had a_ reason_ to be smiling that scary smile of his.  It was a damn fine reason, at that.

You see, Asakura Hao had managed to convince the leader of Team the Ren that if he, Asakura Hao, did not get a new poncho by the end of the week, all of Teams the Ren and Funbari Onsen would be killed.  It was handy, sometimes, having a furyoku that was well over a million.  People feared you when you were that strong, and when a person is afraid, it's possible to force them to do incredibly silly things.

No one would dare disobey him, of course, since, well, he was _Asakura Hao_!  He was the future Shaman King!  Who would dare oppose him?  He had the Spirit of Fire!  He didn't even need the Spirit of Fire to be able to kill someone, though.  Oh no.  There are all sorts of ways to kill someone besides getting a giant spirit to devour them, you see, and quite a few of them are much more fun.  … Hao likes fun things.  Oh yes indeed.

So, exactly why had Hao decided that he needed a new poncho?  Well, to put it simply, he was tired of his current one.  It was boring, and plain-colored.  He wanted something _interesting_.  If things aren't interesting, they're boring, and Hao did not like being bored.  Most people don't, of course, but Hao particularly disliked it.

Boredom was the enemy.  That, of course, was why he wanted to destroy the human race.  They couldn't see ghosts, didn't appreciate the planet, and, well, they were, to put it bluntly, abysmally stupid.  They were, well, boring.  Humans were a cause of boredom, and, well, it's best to defeat your enemy at the source, right?

"I'm bored," Hao announced, sounding far too cheerful for someone who claimed to be bored.  There was no reason to say it, of course, other than that he felt like it.  It was something to do, you see, and doing things occasionally helps stave off boredom.

"Hao-sama!" Opacho said, in its mildly annoying high-pitched voice.  No one was quite sure what gender Opacho was, really.  The author didn't have the Manjien, and doubted it said anything anyway, and… well, it's not like you ever see, or want to, for that matter, and, well, gee.  You understand, right?  Anyway, in case you're wondering, that's all Opacho said.  Yup.  Hao's name, nothing more, nothing less.  Well, there was a "-sama" on the end, but that doesn't make a difference.  Almost all of Hao's followers called him "Hao-sama," so it was basically a given.  

"It'd be fun to go annoy the X-Laws, wouldn't it Opacho?"  Hao's smile was just a little bit wider, and his eyes a bit narrower, and… basically, he looked evil.

Opacho stared up at him, round eyes wide.  "They want to kill you, Hao-sama.  Is that really such a good idea?"

"Of course!"  When he smiled like that, there was no denying Hao.  There was no denying him in the first place, but that cute, blank little smile seemed to imply, "This is what I want to do, and no logic's going to stop me, so go screw yourself!"

"…Okay, Hao-sama."  What, you thought Opacho would try and tell Hao not to annoy the X-Laws?  Of course not!  He's too loyal for that!  Besides, trying would probably lead to a quick, painful death.  Opacho really didn't want his soul to be eaten by the Spirit of Fire.  Sure, it would be great to be worthy of that honor—having his spirit devoured! —but he kind of liked living.  That was understandable, right?

It was a calm, peaceful, and generally boring day on the X-Laws's boat.  The sun was shining, a warm sea breeze was blowing, Marco was slapping Lyserg around (in the name of justice, of course), Lyserg was whining but hanging around and taking the abuse anyway, and Jeanne… Jeanne wasn't really doing anything besides torturing herself, as always.  Gotta love that iron maiden, eh? 

"I'm sorry, Marco!" Lyserg said, his green eyes glittering with tears.  "I didn't think you'd mind!"  … Actually, there was one thing that wasn't so normal and boring about the X-Laws's boat today.

It was covered in flowers.  

There was a sharp sound as Marco kicked Lyserg again.  "Flowers don't properly represent the justice!"

"Hey~!" a cheerful voice rang out, from somewhere not too far away on the deck.  "I like the decorations.  Your stupid boat's much less ugly now!"

"Hao!" Marco shouted.

"Haaaaoooo!" Lyserg shrieked, getting up and pointing at his sworn enemy, hand trembling slightly.

No one ever said the X-Laws weren't good at stating the obvious.

"You know my name!"  Hao beamed, his head tilted slightly to one side.  "I'm so proud of you."

"Shut up!" Lyserg screamed.  "You killed my parents!"

"You're still obsessing over that?  It was so long ago…" Hao laughed.  "You need to get over it!  They were ugly, too, unlike you!"

"Haaaoooo!  What's that supposed to mean?!" Lyserg glared, still pointing at Hao with a wavering hand.  Hao had just called his parents ugly!  That was unjust, and unacceptable.  Hao would die for that insult! … as soon as Jeanne-sama was strong enough, of course.  Hopefully, it wouldn't take long, but you can never be sure with these things.

"Hm?  I thought it would be obvious."  Hao's smile was a bit creepy, really.  It was hard to be sure what he was thinking, but it probably wasn't politically correct, or in any way appropriate for a PG-rated fanfic, so we won't even try to guess.

"Tell me what you meant!  Don't insult my parents, either… Haaaaooo!"

"What I meant," Hao said, his smile wider than ever, "was that I think you're pretty."  He tilted his head to one side, and laughed.  You could almost see the shoujo bubbles floating and sparkling in the background.  It was a terrible sight to behold, hear you me.  "Join me!" 

"Don't say that," Marco stated simply, as Lyserg ran in circles screaming incoherently.  

Hao blinked, and stared at Marco, smiling innocently.  "And why not, Ma-ru-ko~?"

"Because it's wrooong!" Lyserg shrieked, flailing his arms wildly.  "Besides, you're evil and stupid!"

Marco smirked, and pushed his glasses up.  "Because he's my bitch."  He paused, realizing Lyserg was staring at him with a wide-eyed frightened stare.  "… That is, he's too loyal to Jeanne-sama to join someone as evil as you!"

"… Your bitch?" Lyserg asked weakly.  "B—but, well, I mean, Ryu-san…" he mumbled, lamely attempting to protest a statement that had already been sort of withdrawn.

There was a long, drawn out silence, which lasted nearly a minute.  Finally, it was broken by Hao's cheerful laugh.  "Oh, of course!  I see.  Oh well~.  It's not my fault you want to stay on the losing side, Lyserg!"

"Shut up, Hao!" Lyserg yelled.  Marco hit him.  Lyserg fell down again.

Hao blinked, and stared for a moment, looking mildly amused.  "Hm."  He nodded, smiled, and waved.  With a swirl of flame, the Spirit of Fire appeared behind its master, and picked him up.

"I'll just be going now, okay?"  Hao laughed, and with that, was gone.

The X-Laws's boat was silent for a very, very long time, except for the sound of Marco kicking Lyserg, and then walking off.


	3. horohoro's real stupid, huh?

A/N: In case someone reads this… somewhen in the future, consider it set in early February of 2003.  Yeah, it _does_ matter. … Kind of.

-------------------------------------------------

"Idiot."

"C'mon, Ren!  Me an' Chocolove spent hours making this card!  Don't be rude about it!" Horohoro whined, staring at Ren with a plaintive expression.

Ren sighed, and shook his head.  "How hard is it to remember my birthday, anyway?  It's on the first of the year.  That's a memorable date, right?"

"Well, uh… so what if the card's a bit late?  It's the thought that counts, right?" asked Horohoro, sounding completely and totally serious.  He paused for a moment, face scrunching up as he concentrated on something.  What was he supposed to remember?  Oh yeah!  "…Ah!  We're holding a party for you!  Since, y'know, you're sixteen now and all…"

"Seventeen."

"Huh?" Horohoro frowned, and stared blankly for a moment.  "Oh.  Uh, right.  You were born in … uh, nineteen… eighty-six?  So you're sixteen!"

"… no.  I already had my birthday.  I'm seventeen now.  It's simple math, idiot." 

"Oh.  Uh, there's something else I'm supposed to tell you…" Horohoro frowned again.  He wasn't always the smartest of shamans, but at least he was a nice guy, right?  It's personality and morals that count, not intelligence—or at least, that's what he likes to tell himself.  "…oh yeah!  It's a surprise party!  I'm not supposed to tell you about it!"

Horohoro was feeling pretty proud of himself for remembering that, until he realized that yes, he _had _just told Ren about something that was supposed to be a surprise.  "Uhm, just forget I said that, okay?"

"Idiot."  Really, what more needed to be said?

"Hey, I might be stupid, but at least I don't insult people for no reason!"  Naturally, Horohoro didn't take kindly to insults.  He was too cool to be insulted like that!  So what if he wasn't the smartest shaman ever?  Just because he wasn't smart didn't mean he was stupid—oh, wait…  Well then.  Still, he didn't deserve being called an idiot!  Well, okay maybe he did, but still, it wasn't encouraging to have your idol insult you like that, and—

"Why are you still here, anyway?"  Whoah, Ren looked pretty pissed.  Scary.  So what if Ren was working on something?  Horohoro had stuff to tell him, you know!  It was a _job_!  He'd messed it up a bit, but that didn't matter.  He was just doing what Yoh and Chocolove had told him to do.  Then again, he realized, Ren was probably pretty annoyed by the interruption.    Ren generally wasn't all that patient, and Horohoro wasn't being all that fast, so yeah, maybe that was it.  Still.  That shouldn't matter!

"Go away."  Ren was looking a bit more annoyed now.  "I'm sewing."  Oh yeah!  Horohoro had been mocking him about that earlier!

This most definitely needed further investigation.  "Sewing a pretty dress for yourself, eh, Ren-ren?"  Well, investigation and teasing, but who wants to get technical about it?

"No."

"What'cha sewing then, Ren-ren?"

"Don't call me that."  Ren's eye was twitching a little bit.  That, Horohoro decided, was probably not a good sign.  Really, he should probably leave Ren alone for now.  He couldn't just quite yet, though.

"Uhm, Yoh told me to ask you something!"  Horohoro stated it simply because he could.  He wasn't entirely sure what it was that he was supposed to ask Ren, but he knew it was something.  Maybe he could just make something up.  That would work, right?  Ren would never know.  Yoh might get annoyed, though, although that was unlikely because of how laid back he was.  Jeez, what was he supposed to ask Ren?  You don't ask Ren questions.  It's weird!  Oh, wait, wait.  He'd wanted to ask Ren something for a long time.  It wasn't really a question, per se, but…

"You wanna go to dinner tonight, Ren-ren?"

"…what?"  That tic in Ren's eye was kind of funny.  Ren was fairly amusing overall at the moment, actually.  He was sitting on the floor, glaring at Horohoro with one eye twitching slightly.  Still wearing his pajamas, and with a needle in hand, his overall image was an odd mix of 'terrifying' and 'cute.'

"You, me, and a restaurant."  Horohoro nodded.  "Dinner.  You know?  Dinner?  When you eat food, generally after five o'clock?"

"I know what dinner is, you moron."

"Then why'd you ask?"  You don't ask 'what' when you're not asking what something is!  That's not how it works.  Horohoro isn't stupid, but he isn't a genius, and sometimes he takes questions a bit too literally.  You can never really be sure what a person's asking, so using the most literal interpretation of a question's a good idea!  You're more likely to tell them what they want to know, if you answer their question as directly as possible, right?  It's a great idea!

Except when, well, it's _not_.

This time around, it probably wasn't the greatest of ideas.  "I know what dinner is, you moron."  Definitely not a good idea.  "_Why_?"

"'Coz people generally eat in the evening?"  The smart-alecky reply probably wasn't a wonderful idea, either.  This conversation really wasn't going so well for Horohoro, was it?  In case you haven't figured it out, the answer to that is NO.

What Horohoro had just said wasn't worth an actual insult, or any kind of intelligent reply at all, really.  Instead, Ren replied with, "_Why _are _you _asking _me _to dinner?"  How he managed to speak in italics, the world may never know.  There you have it, though.

"Because I feel like it?"  That wasn't it, actually.  Yoh had suggested the idea.  Sure, Yoh had been snickering a bit when he suggested it, but it was still a good idea, right?  It's good to do stuff for people on their birthdays! …even if it's a month after their birthday!  

"Idiot."  Ren really wasn't too happy today, was he?

Horohoro wasn't too tactful today, either.  "So," he said, "You wanna go to dinner, or what?"

There was a pause.

"If it will make you shut up and leave me alone for now, yes."

-+owari!+-

A/N: End chapter three.  Can YOU guess where this is heading? … Nope, I don't have any clue either! :D


End file.
